Awakening....
Thank you, Dexter. Thank you for waking me out of the haze I was trapped in. Thank you for giving me an ounce of my sanity back. For clearing my mind and allowing me to appreciate life for what it is.
I've been living in the shadows for a while. My pre-release vacation from the army has not been what it was supposed to be. With my mum and sisters gone and my dad at work most of the day and my friends MIA for most of the time (and realizing I only have 3 actual friends here), I spent most of my days alone, cleaning the house and doing the laundry and slowly but surely allowing depression to take over me. And it did. And it was there for a long time. I don't think my depression has ever gone away, not since it became very dominant at around the 11th grade. But it fades in and out at times and at times it fades out, I can actually cope with my life quite well. I can get up and go about my daily routine and be rather content with it. Accept it, as it were. But when it fades in, it closes in on everything that I am and I am unable to do anything else but struggle to float above the surface. I operate on "auto pilot", allowing my survival instincts take over me and becoming who my environment wants and expects me to be, rather than being myself. Like a chameleon. When on "auto pilot", days go by in a blur. I can't tell the difference between Monday and Tuesday and I don't care very much to do it. Sometimes, when "auto pilot" fails to work, I snap. I either cry or feel like I'm drowning, with something pressing tight on my heart and lungs. It's not a very pleasant feeling. And all the while my mind feels numb. Unable to compute anything, unable to really operate in the way it normally would. It's half a life to live.
I've sought out many ways to escape, one of them was to dive deep into the Twilight series and live in Edward and Bella's world because mine wasn't worth living in. I needed something to remind me who I am and why I'm still here, putting up a fight. Sometimes it's not a given.
Dexter helped me. The first episode of season 3 of Dexter leaked onto the internet and helped me break the surface and inhale a lot of air. My mind finally feels clear. I finally remember who I am and why I'm here. And that's a great feeling. This feeling didn't fade out yesterday and so far hasn't fade out today, either. Here's to hoping it lasts. I'm hoping the fall TV shows that are slowly but surely creeping back in will help me stay sane. Each of these shows means something else to me. Smallville is my Friday lunch time show. I always watch it while eating my lunch on Friday afternoons. Supernatural is my late night show. I always wait for dark to have fun with Sam and Dean. Dexter is also a nighttime show I watch at the very small hours of the night for full creep-effect. Survivor is for Saturday/Sunday afternoon with mum. House is always a few days after the air date, waiting for subtitles (can't watch that without them, it's about the only show because of all the medical mumbo-jumbo).
So here's to the fall TV shows coming back in full blast. It's about damn time! The summer was miserable without you all.
In other news, here's a pointer. Don't eat McDonalds till you're stuffed and then walk for 15 minutes in the boiling noon sun of Jaffa. Your heart might just not take it, mine didn't. My heart went into shock yesterday when I took the walk from my sister's "army base" to my dad's shop in Jaffa after stuffing myself on 6 McNuggets, a large Coke and large Fries. Turns out when your body is deep into digestion, your heart doesn't have blood and power to spare for your lungs when you work your body up... Oops.
Today is the first day of real work, I'm determined to close a subscription today. And I will. Stay tuned to see how I do....
I've been living in the shadows for a while. My pre-release vacation from the army has not been what it was supposed to be. With my mum and sisters gone and my dad at work most of the day and my friends MIA for most of the time (and realizing I only have 3 actual friends here), I spent most of my days alone, cleaning the house and doing the laundry and slowly but surely allowing depression to take over me. And it did. And it was there for a long time. I don't think my depression has ever gone away, not since it became very dominant at around the 11th grade. But it fades in and out at times and at times it fades out, I can actually cope with my life quite well. I can get up and go about my daily routine and be rather content with it. Accept it, as it were. But when it fades in, it closes in on everything that I am and I am unable to do anything else but struggle to float above the surface. I operate on "auto pilot", allowing my survival instincts take over me and becoming who my environment wants and expects me to be, rather than being myself. Like a chameleon. When on "auto pilot", days go by in a blur. I can't tell the difference between Monday and Tuesday and I don't care very much to do it. Sometimes, when "auto pilot" fails to work, I snap. I either cry or feel like I'm drowning, with something pressing tight on my heart and lungs. It's not a very pleasant feeling. And all the while my mind feels numb. Unable to compute anything, unable to really operate in the way it normally would. It's half a life to live.
I've sought out many ways to escape, one of them was to dive deep into the Twilight series and live in Edward and Bella's world because mine wasn't worth living in. I needed something to remind me who I am and why I'm still here, putting up a fight. Sometimes it's not a given.
Dexter helped me. The first episode of season 3 of Dexter leaked onto the internet and helped me break the surface and inhale a lot of air. My mind finally feels clear. I finally remember who I am and why I'm here. And that's a great feeling. This feeling didn't fade out yesterday and so far hasn't fade out today, either. Here's to hoping it lasts. I'm hoping the fall TV shows that are slowly but surely creeping back in will help me stay sane. Each of these shows means something else to me. Smallville is my Friday lunch time show. I always watch it while eating my lunch on Friday afternoons. Supernatural is my late night show. I always wait for dark to have fun with Sam and Dean. Dexter is also a nighttime show I watch at the very small hours of the night for full creep-effect. Survivor is for Saturday/Sunday afternoon with mum. House is always a few days after the air date, waiting for subtitles (can't watch that without them, it's about the only show because of all the medical mumbo-jumbo).
So here's to the fall TV shows coming back in full blast. It's about damn time! The summer was miserable without you all.
In other news, here's a pointer. Don't eat McDonalds till you're stuffed and then walk for 15 minutes in the boiling noon sun of Jaffa. Your heart might just not take it, mine didn't. My heart went into shock yesterday when I took the walk from my sister's "army base" to my dad's shop in Jaffa after stuffing myself on 6 McNuggets, a large Coke and large Fries. Turns out when your body is deep into digestion, your heart doesn't have blood and power to spare for your lungs when you work your body up... Oops.
Today is the first day of real work, I'm determined to close a subscription today. And I will. Stay tuned to see how I do....
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